IT'S OFFICIAL...IT'S MARY ANN

It's a question that had no answer but beared repeating. The chicken or the egg, you ask? Fuck no. That's a bullshit question that hardly matters. No, this is serious. Like most men, I was captivated by the prospect of having either one of them. But now, some twenty years after catching re-runs at my grandparents' house after school, I have an answer.

I watched Gilligan's Island and could never decide which sexy piece of ass I'd be tapping if I was stuck on that tiny slab of land. Was it the sultry Ginger or the girl-next-door Mary Ann? In a perfect world, I'd say both. But this ain't a perfect world. The second a dude fucks Ginger, Mary Ann's never gonna touch him. And vice versa. That's one of the main boundaries for people stuck on islands with two incredibly smoking hot women. Pick one and make it good cuz you're stuck.

There's a solid case to be made for each one. Ginger's a smoking hot redhead with lips that could do wonders. But Mary Ann's got a personality that wouldn't make me want to stab my ears. What's a boy to do? Wait, what's that, you said? Mary Ann just got busted for having two joints in her car. BINGO!!!!!! WE HAVE A WINNER.

Anytime a celebrity gets busted for weed, instantly I like them way more than I did before. And that's not just cuz I've smoked enough pot to cure cancer. No, I dig when weed hits the mainstream news because it shows how stupid the legality of this plant is. So Marry Ann from Gilligan's Island smoked some weed in Idaho. Big fucking deal. It shows she's a real person, one who's capable of recognizing the difference between the truth and a bullshit law with little to no relevance to most people. The travesty is she had to do five days in jail for it. I mean, come the fuck on. Sure, I don't recommened anyone smoking and driving, but it's much safer than drinking and driving. You ever driven stoned? I have. Plenty of times. And I've got zero accidents. How could I? Stoners drive in the right lane while pedestrians pass them on the sidewalk. We break fifty yards before the stop sign and throw our blinker on three blocks before we make a turn.

I wasn't much of a Lamar Odom fan when he played for the Clippers. Not sure what I think about him now, but he's a Laker, so I got his back. But when he was caught a few years ago puffing a doob, he became one of my favorite players. Same with off-again/on-again Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams. Steroids are one thing, but athletes smoking weed in their free time is another. If anything, opposing teams should WANT other players getting high. It sure doesn't turn you into a wide-necked asshole, that's for damn sure.

So Dawn Wells, this bowl's for you. I wouldn't ever say everyone should smoke weed, but everyone should realize the shit your ninth grade health teacher and your dickhead Congressperson tells you about marijuana is dead wrong. The funny thing, the people who critisize weed the most are usually the ones who need to get high. Go figure.

But here's what's really important. Can we start calling her Mary Jane Ann? Can someone name a strain of weed after her like pronto? Let's celebrate this joyous occassion. The more stoners go public, the more the stigma lessons and I can start walking down the street smoking a joint. Wait, I already do that. I mean...I can start walking down the street smoking a joint and not worry about getting arrested. Wait, that's not true either. Ok, howzboutthis? I can walk down the street smoking a joint and the rich assholes in my neighborhood can't give me funny looks for the smell coming from the lit cigarette in my hand.

I could -- and should -- write a book about this. But I won't. So here's something to think about next time you're at a concert and someone passes a spliff your way. Like Nate Dogg so eloquently said, "Hey hey hey hey...Smoke weed everyday."

PS Dawn Wells (or Lamar Odom or Ricky Williams for that matter)...if you read this, email me. Let's get fucked up.