WE WOULD DO NOTHING TO OFFEND THE AUDIENCE

That's what soccer mom turned tv personality Meredith Viera said about Jane Fonda using the word "cunt" on the Today show. Here's a free piece of advice Meredith, maybe you should do something to offend the audience. Might make for a more interesting television program. But what do I know? I haven't been awake that early since fifth grade.

And in related news, Diane Keaton said "fucking" during an interview with Diane Sawyer. My favorite part of this clip is the gasp of the crowd. A bunch of housewives on vacation to (presumably) New York City freak out over the f word. You can't not love that!

Really people, what's the big deal? If there's one thing I knew about American culture and now REALLY know about American culture after visiting Europe last month, it's how conservative this country is. A word is a bunch of sounds thrown together to make a new sound. That's it. Whatever meaning a person gives to it has nothing to do with the noise coming out of the speaker's mouth. There's no such thing as a "bad" word, only negative connotations attached to some words. In Germany, there's a large newspaper called the Bild (don't ask me what that means). On the bottom half of the A1 section every goddamn day is a huge picture of a topless woman. I was floored the first time I saw it. Chip and I were at the Frankfurt airport. He was taking a leak when I saw a guy reading what I thought was porn in public. Nope, it was the newspaper. I was bursting with excitement when Chip came out of the pisser. I told him what I saw and how I had to have a copy of that. We searched for about two minutes, then found a copy someone left on a seat. I grabbed it and now that paper sits in my filing cabinet, perhaps the best souvenir a newspaper writer such as myself could bring home. And somehow Germany hasn't collapsed from this. Sure, they caused not one but TWO world wars, but this is a sign that things aren't how they used to be for the Germans. Never in a million years did I think I'd say the Germans were more advanced than Americans, but they are. By a long shot. Us Americans are living under an invisible religious regime that dictates our morality. I am fully aware of the other half's rights -- some people, for whatever puritanical reasoning -- just don't want to be around profanity and nudity. That's cool. Unlike religious tightwads, I'm not comfortable telling other people what to think, how to live, how to act, etc. But what about people like me? Those who don't mind hearing "fucking" and "cunt" on television? What's the harm in showing boobs on tv or in a newspaper. For fuck's sake, every woman has them. This kind of small-minded thinking gives me a headache and makes me long for the day when I am walking down the street and find an errant money bag filled with billions of dollars dropped from one of them trucks that picks up cash. When this happens, there's no way in hell I'm returning it. I'm buying the farthest island from the rest of humankind and setting up a society where I'm charge. I'll open my borders to my friends cuz living with only my girlfriend could get kinda boring for both of us. Those who don't like my policies will be free to leave, no questions asked. But I guaran-fucking-tee if I was in charge of this country or any country, the world would be a much better place. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't narrow-minded conservatism the exact thing the United States' founding fathers were trying to get away from? Funny how those who hoist these men onto pedestals are the same ones who live their lives in the direct opposite way of these men.